My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Catercrombie & Fish
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Breaking news:
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.