@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
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@ch000ch: hoarder on TV: pls help me doc therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we'll take them to my car
@tastefactory: My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring
@GianDoh: If someone says "With all due respect," what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
@SuperTeeWhy: [Bar] "Two long necks please" Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just- Giraffe's wife: Cliff, he didn't mean anything by it please sit down