Did I do this right
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.