My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
sry