@markedly: My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he's grounded.
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@WheelTod: Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
@LindseyEllison2: I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
@dshack8: "I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead." The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.