My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
step 6: release the wall snake
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
⛄️
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms