My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.