My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood