My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’