My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Software Development ⛵️
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.