My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If you know, you know
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.