*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You Might Also Like
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own