My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.