@PeterClayton6: My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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@rockymomax: [At bar] BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
@4ndBest: Girl dog: I'm into bad boys Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
@ojedge: [1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold" Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"