My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
car not found
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once