18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Free him
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.