If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The three genders
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?