My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Stop being racist to kettles.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*