My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal