My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways