My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Basketball
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.