My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
wut hotdog?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.