GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Sing it!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.