@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
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@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@pinkmoon_33: 3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
@baconacid: Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
@GavinProbably: Said "large" today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting "Venti, Venti, Venti!" and a mass suicide occurred.