My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man