My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”