My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
new year update: losing everything but weight
A tragic love story in two pictures.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I hate when that happens.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra