My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”