My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails