NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You Might Also Like
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks