I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
You Might Also Like
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”