My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Psychiatrist鈥檚 Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
馃悤馃嵎
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
馃幎 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don鈥檛 feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don鈥檛 even feel the need to correct it.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Not recommended for beginners.
Job Counselor: now that you鈥檝e flunked dental school, what鈥檚 your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
fianc茅e: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I鈥檝e never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend鈥檚 party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn鈥檛 invited.