@Sulky_Girl: My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
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@MissNaughty1801: Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then
@aveuaskew: Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".
@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you