CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
saving face 👀
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care