@Sulky_Girl: My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
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@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@Brampersandon_: [White House] Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS? *Biden excitedly raises hand* Besides assembling the Avengers. *Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
@EndhooS: A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"