Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Education is vital
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!