‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
No way!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.