paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.