My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.