My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me