@liv_thatsme: My therapist told me to put away my phone and spend more time with my friends, but it’s like: hey, which is it?
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@causticbob: I have started a band called Free Beer. When people see our sign 'Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM' I'm sure everyone is going to be there.
@thetits: [just meeting a new group of people] My brain: say something cool and different Me: HOW YA'LL GOT?? Brain: nice
@Schmoodles: It's easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
@BobTheSuit: I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.