Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”