My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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#Caturday
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.