Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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You had me at “define legal”.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
OH. COME. ON.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.