I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Not helping
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Just me and my debit card against the world
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.