My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio