my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.