@meganamram: my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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@ch000ch: [drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank] ME: here ya go little buddies FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
@geowizzacist: (Me playing guitar) 3: Daddy what's this song called? Me: Going Nowhere. 3: I know that but what's this song called? Burned by a 3yo.
@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?
@ScorpionDong: Hangs a sign on front door that says "Robbery in progress - Please do not disturb" to deter burglars