My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.