My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?