I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
You Might Also Like
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems