My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on