My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Body by sandwich.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
the dark web is just a goth google.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
How times have changed.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.