My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Banking tips
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.