@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [speed dating] Her: Nice to meet you Me [on meth]: I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
@Mr_Kapowski: [fancy restaurant] Wife: How was the bathroom? Me: The bathroom attendant doesn't come in and help when you yell "WIPE" from the stall
@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.