@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
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@Donna_McCoy: Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
@brendohare: Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
@FullGrownChris: "Where are you all going?" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. "You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band
@michamontaz: Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.