@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
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@dyldonot: [first date] me: [don't let her know you're a microwave] her: my food is a bit cold me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
@PieChord: The only time my ex will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
@GreenishDuck: Can't believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
@MiniiG: If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend