Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist