Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You Might Also Like
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.